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Ever since we lost Hannah, I haven’t been able to have flowers in the house. I used to love them. A little bit a sunshine to brighten our space. But lately I haven’t been able to see flowers as anything but condolences. Sad reminders of the worst time of our life. This week, I happened upon some pretty pink and yellow tulips at Trader Joes. They looked sweet and cheerful, and they jogged a memory of another very special bouquet.
It was a Thursday afternoon last June, two weeks after Hannah’s 20-week ultrasound and Spina Bifida diagnosis. We were all waiting on pins and needles for bloodwork to come back to determine whether Hannah would have mental handicaps in addition to her physical ones. “Living Hell” doesn’t come close to describing those 14 days. My phone finally rang…I couldn’t breathe…then my doctor gave me the best news we could have gotten. “Her brain is fine, Jen. The tests are absolutely normal.” It was a rare occurrence…most times with Spina Bifida there are some brain abnormalilies. So it gave us hope. “You’ve got this, Hannah. We’ll get you through this.” I felt a renewed strength. So much joy flooded through me. We needed to celebrate.
I called my mom and asked her to meet me and Eloise for frozen yogurt. It was a lovely, sunny day so we walked to Lincoln Square. They were having a Farmers Market, and as we meandered through it, I saw a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. Peonies. They were light pink, fragile and delicate, but so full and fresh. They 100% symbolized my baby girl. The baby girl who I already knew so well. Sweet and strong. Bringing that bouquet home was like brining Hannah home. Just like that, she was forever a member of our family. For as long as I live, I will associate peonies with my Hannah. And they will always make me happy.
So, I bought the tulips this week. It was an experiment. Can I handle this? Or will even tulips be way too emotional and end up crushing me? When I brought them home, Eloise was delighted. “Aw, you didn’t have to bring me flowers! I love them so much!” She hasn’t stopped talking about how much she loves “her flowers.”
Oh, my girls. I love you both so much.
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*Easter Surprises. I am still smiling about what a sweet day our Easter Sunday turned out to be. There was nothing better than seeing Ellie’s joy as she raced around our house in her pajamas, finding eggs and her basket. We dressed up, went to Church, and I found my own surprise. Fr. John’s sermon really touched a chord with me. It was personal and perfect. Our Church community is truly a special place. Loving, accepting, down-to-earth. After mass, they threw a really well-thought-out egg hunt for the kids, complete with an appearance by the Easter Bunny and a toy raffle. Ellie made us all laugh when she passed up all of the adorable stuffed animal options and instead chose a big, plastic beach toy shaped like an alligator. “Chompy,” of course, came to brunch with us, which was a lovely, lively, yummy time. It is the first time in just about a year that we were visited by that festive but relaxed, contented and peaceful feeling. It felt great that we were able to experience that feeling again.
*Go, Eloise, Go! While her Coach, her “team mates,” and, of course, her adoring parents cheered her on, Eloise kicked her first goal at soccer class. All the way up the field, all by herself. It. Was. AWESOME! So proud of my “Lil’Kicker.”
*Wrinkles Puppy Returns. He was my favorite stuffie growing up. From the time my mom bought me Wrinkles Puppy, he was my go-to guy. He even went away to college with me. When Eloise was a baby, I always had him in her nursery, watching over her. This week, Ellie’s been fighting a cold and has been clingier than normal with me, at bed time, especially. Last night, I tucked her in with Wrinkles, and told her mommy’s old favorite toy would cuddle with her when I couldn’t. For the first night all week, she didn’t call me in a million times for cuddles and she slept soundly through the night. And I had to smile when I checked on Ellie and saw her hugging Wrinkles tight. Such an unexpectedly sweet moment.