Tomorrow marks one month. One month that has felt like a second and also like a year. I don’t yet have an answer for “How are you doing?” The truth is…I have no idea. Mike and I are exceptionally sad. We are scared. We miss Hannah so much it actually hurts. We are mourning the loss of our baby girl and also the dream we always had for our family. Every day, we have real moments of peace and then moments when the grief comes out of nowhere like a body blow and takes our breath away. Will we be happy again? Some day. But we are on a different path than we had always dreamed of. Our new future is too overwhelming to think about most days…and also incredibly hard not to dwell on every second.
We are clinging to Eloise like crazy and trying like hell not to freak her out by the volatility of our emotions. But we are only human. Lately, when Ellie sees me upset, she sings a little song from Daniel Tiger: “It’s OK to feel sad sometimes. Little by little, you’ll feel better again.” The sweetness of that makes me want to laugh. And to cry harder.
One of the scariest things that has come out of this experience has been the sheer number of parents who have lost children and have lived through similar grief who have reached out to us. Call me naïve, but before Hannah, I never understood this happened so frequently. I wish I didn’t have that new understanding now…that I could live in peaceful ignorance forever. These families have been such a comfort to us…such an inspiration. One mother told me that even though the sadness would always be with me, the panic would eventually subside. Mike and I are counting the days until that happens for us.
We always felt that our Hannah would do something great. That she would make a real difference. It is amazing how her spirit and name are living on in both big and small ways thanks to you, dear friends. Her fund to help other children and families at Lurie Children’s Hospital has grown big enough to split between the Spina Bifida area and the NICU, both of which gave us so much hope and comfort during our pregnancy. Hannah’s name will be added to a dedication wall in the hospital. A donation in her name was also made to a public library to add to their children’s book collection. How beautiful is that? Random acts of kindness to help others going through difficult times have been inspired by her. We don’t have the words to thank you all for helping to create this legacy for Hannah. What an honor. What a comfort.
So, what have I been up to for a month? Trying to breathe through incredibly long days. Reconnecting with Mike and Eloise as a family of three. Apple picking. Pumpkin patches. Redecorating the nursery as a playroom and indulging in copious amounts of retail therapy. And sushi. I’m going to slowly ease my way back into work…taking just a handful of sessions this fall, then coming back full time January 1. I can’t wait to see all of you again, clients. I miss your smiling faces.
